But wait, there’s more! A guy named Dan Fogler plays Cook's sidekick in the movie. Maybe you haven't heard of Fogler. Assuming you haven't, here's a fun fact about him: He's a Tony-award-winning actor, and yet somehow he got stuck playing one of the most obnoxious and annoying characters in film history, and he plays this grating role in a movie that's elevated the waste of celluloid to an Olympic sport. All three of these poor bastards must have killed someone in a previous life to warrant an appearance in this shitpile.

But – and I swear this is my last "but" – maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe this movie only seems worse than it is because I saw it in the wake of Oscar-caliber fare like 3:10 to Yuma, Eastern Promises and In the Valley of Elah.

On second thought: Nope, I'm not being too harsh. This movie falls into the same unfunny, monotonous and infamous category of comedies that includes such crappy fare as The Shaggy Dog and Liar, Liar where the main character has to deal with a curse that complicates his life and thrusts him into all manner of shenanigans.

(Side note: I hope audiences don’t avoid 3:10 to Yuma, Eastern Promises and In the Valley of Elah while flocking to this Dumpster barnacle.)

Anyway, here's the curse: Every time Cook's character has sex with a woman, she ends up marrying the next guy she meets. This explains the original title of the film, The Warm-Up Guy, but it doesn’t explain is why every situation that springs from this premise is either unfunny or in hauntingly bad taste.

For example: Cook tests the power of the jinx by having sex with a woman so morbidly obese that she belongs in a hospital, not a movie, but instead of emergency gastric bypass for this poor woman, we get fart jokes and imagery so grotesque it'll flash across my subconscious during my death rattle.

Alba plays – no kidding – a penguin expert who works at a local aquarium. Cook falls for her at a wedding, but he naturally hesitates because he doesn't want to lose her to the next guy. To complement Cook's curse neurosis, the filmmakers task Alba to play a total klutz. I guess this could've been cute, but instead it's just embarrassing, as we watch Alba trip, fall, break her teeth and send scalpels flying into Cook's back.

Memo to director Mark Helfrich and writers Josh Stolberg and Steve Glenn: Less is more.

Unfortunately, that old maxim probably sounds like Latin to Helfrich and his creative team, so while Alba is running headlong into stuff, Cook spends the movie trying to keep her by his side – no matter what. Again, there's a version of this movie that exists out there where all this is sweet and perfectly executed, but in this version, we get a scene where Cook fills Alba's office with balloons and flowers so he can do a silly routine in a penguin costume – remember, she's a penguin expert – and every bit of it is uncomfortable.

Wait! Wait! Hold everything! I forgot to divulge two key details! Remember the Tony-winning Dan Fogler, who plays Cook's best friend? His character is a plastic surgeon, and Cook's character is a dentist. Suffice it to say, my intelligence filed a libel suit against the filmmakers for asking it to believe that these three fuckbrains are all doctors (two medical, one scholastic). Granted, the geniuses behind The World is Not Enough still dropped the most jaws nationwide by casting Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist, but this movie's hat-trick of insult almost makes me forget about it.

Again, there's a version of this movie out there that works. Maybe this magical version pitches its two lead characters as an over-the-hill skater dude and a stand-up comic. That I could buy, although I kind of like Alba as a penguin expert. Her love for the little guys comes across as genuine, although that's a testament to Alba's talent and not the screenplay.

Gimmicky plots like the one in Good Luck Chuck are perfect for 30-minute shorts, but if you're going to turn them into features, you better be keep a DVD of Groundhog Day on a constant loop, because that's the gold standard for gimmicky, repetitive movies that deliver big laughs and a warm theme.

Oh, and let's not forget about this movie's dim view of women, who are all apparently so obsessed with marriage that they'll have sex with a complete stranger just to get it done. Incidentally, how did all these women know that Cook's character had this power? Is there a Web forum for marriage-crazy women out there?

Now I'm nitpicking, and that's the point. These plot holes wouldn't gape so wide if there was a funny movie to distract us from them, but instead of another Groundhog Day, we get a romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor funny. They didn't even choose the right title, for crying out loud – The Warm-Up Guy would have been a better title for a better movie, but in lieu of that superior flick, I'll offer this new title: Dear Dane and Jessica: Try Not To Fuck Up Next Time.